Tuesday, January 23, 2001
"i...i just don't understand ." i said to csd2 , as we conversed on the phone . this concerned a great deal of our conversation that evening ; why he would move . i didn't speak very much , unlike my normal habit , which is to ramble on without really censoring my words . i couldn't . i had been crying . i doubt he had noticed . ( i attribute that to llf's unusually loud , labored breathing and her juxtaposition to the mouthpeice . ) so i didn't talk . i instead focused my mental energies on listening and controlling my breathing . i held the phone a little closer to llf , just to be safe . i tried to ask him again , to clarify my question so that perchance the response would quell my worries , but it never did . not fully , anyways . i'm not sure why csd2 wants to move . he claims because his current situation is substandard , he desires the lost feeling of independance bordering on lonliness , but staved off by one very close friend . i wanted desperately to tell him how much i need him here , but it just seemed selfish . and i suppose it is , really . why do i want him to stay anyways ? it's simple . because i can't stand the thought that perhaps he would fall into the patterns of so many who have left me in the past , moved away , moved on , regressed . over time i may be forgotten and replaced , but even more appalling is the thought that this could be done to someone else . for the same reasons i cannot bear to loose one hundred archived emails , i cannot stand to think that i may forget or distort a friendship as beautiful and miraculous as this . i don't want to forget what has transgressed between two individuals . i need to remember , so that i can judge change , evolution , growth . i need to remember love .
posted by emily oi! at 10:46:00 PM
0 comments
"i...i just don't understand ." i said to csd2 , as we conversed on the phone . this concerned a great deal of our conversation that evening ; why he would move . i didn't speak very much , unlike my normal habit , which is to ramble on without really censoring my words . i couldn't . i had been crying . i doubt he had noticed . ( i attribute that to llf's unusually loud , labored breathing and her juxtaposition to the mouthpeice . ) so i didn't talk . i instead focused my mental energies on listening and controlling my breathing . i held the phone a little closer to llf , just to be safe . i tried to ask him again , to clarify my question so that perchance the response would quell my worries , but it never did . not fully , anyways . i'm not sure why csd2 wants to move . he claims because his current situation is substandard , he desires the lost feeling of independance bordering on lonliness , but staved off by one very close friend . i wanted desperately to tell him how much i need him here , but it just seemed selfish . and i suppose it is , really . why do i want him to stay anyways ? it's simple . because i can't stand the thought that perhaps he would fall into the patterns of so many who have left me in the past , moved away , moved on , regressed . over time i may be forgotten and replaced , but even more appalling is the thought that this could be done to someone else . for the same reasons i cannot bear to loose one hundred archived emails , i cannot stand to think that i may forget or distort a friendship as beautiful and miraculous as this . i don't want to forget what has transgressed between two individuals . i need to remember , so that i can judge change , evolution , growth . i need to remember love .
posted by emily oi! at 10:46:00 PM
0 comments
